doodles of pictures i've taken

2023 archive


happy belated 2023 everyone O.O pretty crazy. I am feeling quite concerned about this year since it will be the year of big changes for me + i seem to run on a schedule of losing my goddamn mind every 3 years and just cease to be a functioning human for a couple months, but we'll see. the good news is is that i got A's and A+s on all my exams and finished the semester with a 4.0, which gave my overall gpa a much needed boost. not really sure how i managed that since i left every single essay until the very last minute, but i won't question nice things. this semester, i have 3 courses that i am very happy with, but the other one is with a prof that i can't stand. this is my fourth class with him bc he teaches all the socio/historical/dialectology stuff for linguistics, but he is just such a massive pain.


february! one of the most stressful months school-wise, but it is redeemed by valentines day and my bday. for someone who is not in a relationship, i do really love all the hearts and pink and cute stuff associated with valentines day.
I am happy to report that i survived the deep freeze that covered a whole lot of north america the last couple days, and even walked 5.5 miles out in it, though some of that was not planned... the 'feels like' temperature got down to around -38, so i got some pretty great photos of my eyelashes, eyebrows, and hair being white with the ice. i don't have much of a view out the back window anymore either since it is just a sheet of icicles, each about 5-6ft long hanging down from the roof.
now that the weather is a bit better, i went and picked up this cute pink d-ej011 walkman i found on fb marketplace, and then went to the records/cd store near where i got it and found 2 interpol cds, including Antics, which is my favourite album of all time. today might not have been productive school-wise, but it was still pretty good!


it's been a little while since i've been on neocities! this last semester/year has had me so busy but it's nearly over now, which is... insane. there is one class that i'm concerned about bc i kind of put it on the back burner since it was an intro-level elective course, but on the other hand, was the only class i needed left to graduate since i had completed every requirement other than the elective minimum. anyways, i think i kind of royally fucked up my final project but.... at least i think all my other classes have gone well?
earlier this week, my article for my school's russian department journal was published, which was really cool! the version that i initially submitted was a bit long and so a lot of my style kinda got cut to make it a more snappy length, but it led to a couple sentences that are,,, lacking. but whatever. feels mostly good :) the other cool thing is that i finally finished by project for my sociolinguistics II course! i ended up doing it on the pronunciation of word-medial intervocalic and post-nasal /t/ in casual australian english by gender (and a little detour on age as well lol). there really hasnt been a lot of literature on this topic since the 80's and 90's, so it was fun to look at how the usage of /t/ variants seems to have changed over time!
anyways. i'm currently going back and forth between minecraft and speed-reading "Jakobsonian Poetics and Slavic Narrative" and "The North in Russian Romantic Literature" before my library loans run out waaaaa. they're so good and interesting... I've been wanting to learn more about semiotics for ages, specifically Roman Jakobson and Yuri Lotman's approach to it, and these 2 books are actually teaching it in a way that makes sense to me lolol. If anyone has any reccomendations on how to get into Bakhtin, please for the love of god, help a girl out. i've been trying to crack into it for months now and it. just. isnt. clicking. Minecraft on the otherhand is going great lmao. there is nothing i love more than a big building project.


feeling like summer! i think i'm going to have to start packing tomorrow, but i have been spending as much time as possible these last few days outside so that i don't feel bad about wasting time while the weather is nice. over the weekend i walked over 18 miles! on friday, i went to this 2nd-hand record/dvd store near me that i've been meaning to go to for sooo long, but i've been kind of avoiding it since the reviews of this place on google maps are kind of insane lol. too many cases of the owner going apeshit at customers. BUT i went anyways and wowow this place had everything! he saw me looking around at the dvds and told me that in the wayyy back of the store, there were more and oh boy he wasnt kidding. in these massive storage tubs, there were probably a thousand (not exaggerating) dvds just piled up very precariously. unfortunately i didnt find anything i wanted, but i did have a successful CD haul! I got Interpol's self-titled album, Blur's Parklife album (!!!) and 2 Gorillaz singles, which he gave me for free!
on saturday, i took the old laptop charger + a bag of old batteries downtown for electronics recycling and then walk around this huge comic festival! the street was made pedestrian only for the event, which is always really nice. there was also this really cool garage sale i found, where i got 2 antique maps of 2 canadian provinces, a vintage skii map, and a Intourist travel guide from the 80s advertising travel to the Soviet Union! best part was, i got it all for 5 dollars.
i know that it interests absolutely nobody to read my day-by-day account of my life, but hey, i have fun writing this all down, and it is nice for me to look back on and actually remember what the fuck i've been doing with my life lmao. ANYWAYS yesterday i went to the botanical garden! it's peak lilac season here, and there are a lot of irisis around town at the moment too! unfortuantely, the crabapple blossoms have just finished up, but there is still soooo much asian meadowsweet around that looks beautiful. i also went to another dvd/cd store and had the biggest win of all time. i got my favourite movie (Sunshine), my brother's favourite movie (shallow grave), and also disco pigs lol. literally any time i go somewhere that had dvds, i always look for sunshine and shallow grave! the timing is perfect now since 1) i'm probably not going to be able to find any more dvds for the forseeable future while i'm living at home since my parents live is suburbia hell and there is literally nowhere to go if you want to get out of the house ever, and 2) it's my brother's birthday in 2 weeks, so this is the perfect gift!

I've been trying to do as much as i can this month since it's my last one here. unfortunately the weather has mostly been a bit shit, but it looks like it will finally be consistently summer-y after thursday. been having lots of picnics in the park, both solo and with friends, and reading outside and going for very long walks. i went on a weekend trip with a friend to stay with her family the other week, which was really nice! the bus was about 7 hours each way, but luckily, i love to sit on cars/buses for extended periods of time. makes me so sleepy. once we were there, we hung out with a lot of her high school friends and spent a lot of time outside admiring the cherry blossoms. i got a really bad sunburn, even though it was still cold enough that i needed a coat ;-;
i also saw tamino in concert recently! absolutely amazing vocals, and i mean,,, ridiculously good looking guy too... unfortunately, he didnt play 'tummy' but he did play indigo night, habibi, cigar, intervals, and you dont own me (among many others), so it was still an amazing night.
i want to have a going-away party with my friends, but i'm not sure whether to make it a chill potluck and cake vibe, or a final 'let's get wasted because i'm moving back in with my parents and will not be drinking for the foreseeable future' kind of thing..
ALSO i have to go get a new laptop charger today ;-; i thought that my laptop had like,, exploded and died or something because on saturday i realised that it wouldnt turn on, but sunday night i realised that one of the cats we are catsitting had chewed through the charging cord!!! these cats are a fucking menace. i am a huge cat person and have always had cats growing up. i was the primary cat-taker-carer of my ex-roommate's/their ex-boyfriend's cat in 2021-'22, and i have cat-sitted(cat-sat?) for friends before, but never in my life have i encountered cats more destructive or annoying that these two. one of them bites everything (chewed through my charger and my roommate's cords for speakers and lights, and has seriously damaged the handles on these cupboards that are low to the ground, as well as the sink tap/faucet) and the other has killed every plant we have and climbs as high as she can to knock down (and break) everything. i am so done with them!!

sooo i finished university last month... feels very strange. i actually had a pretty good semester, ending up with 2 A's and 2 A-'s. i'm in the city until early june since the actual graduation ceremony hasnt happened yet. on the one hand, i dont think it's really set in that i'm moving away, but on the other, it is all i think about. this is truly my favourite place i've lived. i can't imagine a better place to just,,, walk around and exist in, not to mention that the best friends i've ever made will still be here after i graduate. but alas! i am on a study permit, and i dont speak the required language to get a job here, so it's time for me to get packing. what comes next? no fucking clue.


still in australia and having a good time! the main reason we came was for my grandparents' 70th wedding anniversary celebration, which happened a few days ago! i can't quite wrap my head around being married to someone for 70 years lol. my grandad seems very concerned with what i'm going to do with my life and keeps pulling me aside to let me know that i need to be confident and just try things that i might not think i can do. the main issue is is that all my relatives really want me to move here and keep suggesting universities that i should go to rather than the ones i've been talking about, but i dont know how many more times i can explain to them that the schools they are bringing up literally do not have a library science program T_T like,,, i promise you i would rather go to that well-known and well-ranked school than the smaller, less prestigious ones but they are the only ones in the country that have what i want to do.
in not-complainy news, i went to the mall yesterday and got a couple pairs of miffy pajama pants! Fun Fact: June 21st is Miffy's birthday, so it was a perfect coincidence. Another Fun Fact: My graduation gift was miffy pajama pants from uniqlo lmao. i think i should just wear miffy clothing for the rest of my life. so much joy from one little bunny waaaa i love cute things and i am very easily entertained.

i graduated 2 days ago! crazy crazy day and it doesnt feel real that i am done. it does feel good though to think that i officially have a degree in linguistics! i am proud of that. i got back to the US last night and now i'm just getting ready to go the the airport again. one shortish flight, then a 10 hour layover before the flight to australia. long days ahead ;-; but it will be nice to see family again. just gotta field all the "so what are you going to do now/with your degree" questions rip

so... it's june, huh. very bittersweet time! i am all packed up now and will be living out of my suitcase for exactly one month now. my brother and family come up here this weekend, and then i graduate a couple days later. my classes finished earlier than anyone else's back home, but my graduation ceremony is a solid 2-3 weeks later than theirs. i'm very grateful to have the extra time here. as i type this, i am sitting in a kitchen chair i've dragged over to be in the doorway of the back porch to get some fresh air. it was 35C here today, which is the hottest it has been by far this year. there was a thunderstorm about an hour ago, but now it's just leftover summer rain.

kinda content warning for this part! i'm all good, just thinking about The Dread lol
everything just feels so strange. i can't believe i'm moving away from all my friends in less than a week. i really don't have any friends back home to be honest. i moved there when i was 13 and was too busy being Sad and eating disorder-y to get out of my own head and actually put in the effort needed to not be lonely. by the time i was feeling Actually Human in 12th grade, everyone already had their circles, and i was only really planning on going to a university outside my state, if not further away, so it felt a bit pointless. I have once again screwed myself over in that i have never really thought about life beyond university, and so i have taken approximately 0 steps to work towards any goal. it's hard to beat that mindset of "i dont need to worry about it because i'll be dead by X anyways." i'm only 22, which is older than middle school-me imagined being, and is as old as high school-me thought i'd get to. nowadays, even though in some ways i deeply look forward to being older, as the main thing i want out of this life is to have a family and to be a good mother, it's hard to accept that i do have to go on. to clarify, i am in no danger to myself and i am generally a happy person. i think it's just that old habits die hard.


I havent really had much to say for this month. i've been trying to read more and i've been going to the library now that i'm home. i took the written portion of my driving test and now my mum and i are going for a mini roadtrip next week to find the one dmv in this state that had appointments to get a permit before like,,, november lol. i've been looking into alllll the libraries in major cities in australia to see which ones have work-placement programs for students in library science and i've thankfully found a few. since all the university programs are online, i would have the freedom to live wherever (that is affordable lol) i could find work, even if it is far from the actual campus. i've been thinking and i have decided that i will still apply for the linguistics program that i really like, even though i cant imagine what i would do job-wise with that degree, but it's honestly looking more employable than the library sector atm rip.
anyways i am missing my literature courses so i have decided to make my own course and just write essays on what i want lol. i've been mulling over this one idea for a few months now but i recently realised that i had to cut down the scope a LOT if i wanted to actually do it and for it to maybe not be utter shit. i have like 200 articles/books to finish reading first, but a girl needs a project. so, if anyone is interested in zaum and asemic writing, look out haha


i have got to update this more often lol. i keep thinking that nothing has happened in my life but i guess it's been long enough since my last update that there are a few things. i mean, i guess if we want to start with the most exciting thing, i was accepted for a master's program in linguistics O.O pretty crazy! it's a really good school in a city that is pretty cool and would have a lot of job opportunities and my parents have some family friends there. also i would be getting out of this country :D (but that goes for all the schools i applied to). those are the four positives. i guess the main issue is still,, if i want to do it. I mean, i do want to go back to school, but i need to think about if i should go back into linguistics. i'm still waiting to hear back from the schools that i applied to for their library science programs. the problem is, there are a few branches of linguistics that i really really love (phonology, sociolinguistics, and historical linguistics). this school offers more of these classes than any other school i've ever seen, but it's still a fairly limited selection and there would be a lot of work i'd be doing that i have just no interest in. the other problem is that, as much as i love (some) linguistics, it isnt what i spend my spare time reading about, and so i'm not sure that i am intellectually prepared to write minimum 25k words a semester. i suppose it isnt a surprise, but there arent a whole lot of master's programs for russian literature/cultural studies, and certaintly not any that dont require you to be fluent in russian (and sometimes french and another slavic language too ;-;). i guess that will just be doomed to be my side-hobby forever.

other updates? i'm learning how to drive, which i absolutely hate. i am 100% sure that i will die in a car crash. i just know it. i really really hate it so much. my parents have been teaching me for a couple weeks now, but in like,, mid-september, i'm starting actual driving lessons. hell. if i dont update for a long time, assume that i drove off one of those fucking stupid elevated highways and plummeted 100 feet to my death.
i also went to the doctor for the first time in 9 years lolll. i apparently have the heart rate of a gerbil B) anyone else always terrified? no? happy to announce that i officially don't have arthritis yippeee which no means that there is no explanation for why tf my hands look the way they do. buuuut as long as it's not arthritis i kinda dont care. i've apparently got some low-grade scoliosis that is causing a surprising number of problems for how small the curve is, so i gotta get that checked out. potentially hypermobile shoulder too? idk the doctor kinda skipped over the nerve pain problems in my hand and down my leg but whatever we stay silly.
and finally, my little for-funsies essay on universal, incomprehensible languages is a couple pages now, which is fun. deciding what to do with it once it's done.


aurgh feeling stupid. i finished my driving lessons on friday and resgistered to have my driving test today, but i realised about half an hour before i needed to leave that i hadnt watched the required hour-long video about distracted/drunk driving that you have to watch after completing the driving course but before taking the test. had to fork out 40 bucks to reschedule to thursday and now my parents are understandably kinda pissed. i'm just so annoyed at myself for forgetting about that video. i've been cleaning the house out of guilt since i finished watching it a few hours ago.
in other news, my mum is going through all her old stuff so that she and my dad can move/downsize in the near future, which means i've been getting lots of cool stuff haha. stamps i've been cutting out of old envelopes, pins from st. petersburg and moscow in the early 90's + a really cool cigarette case from there too, my grandparents' old girl scout/boy scout pins, concert tickets, etc. i'd like to add a page for neat little things like these. i'm currently working on redoing my music page at the moment since it's soooo boring the way it is at the moment. i am not enjoying wrestling with winamp though. just like please,,, for the love of god,,,, let me change your skin!!! i'm also too lazy to look up youtube to mp3 converter, so i think i'll only be using music that i have on cds. i think that has it's own little charm to it though
(medical talk in the next paragraph)
i went to another doctor yesterday and explained my fucked joints to him and he suspects it's ehlers-danlos syndrome, which i had heard of, but i thought you needed stretchy skin to have it, but apparently there are different kinds. i ended up looking hypermobile eds after the appointment and wow yeah i kind of tick every. single. box. that's the one kind of eds that doesnt have a genetic test though lol, so i'm not really sure what i'm meant to do with this theory. he wants me to get an echocardiogram and start physical therapy. i guess i just wanted confirmation that there is something wrong with my shoulder and that it can maybe even be fixed, which he says physical therapy can kind of do by adding muscle to stop the joint from slipping out of place as often.

ok i officially accepted the offer i got from that university to do linguistics. i feel bad that i know that if the library science courses were in person, i would choose that, but i just know that zoom university for my goddamn master's is not where it's at. this school really does have the most interesting linguistics program i've seen anywhere though and so i am excited for that. nowhere else that i know of has as many courses for those interested in historical+sociolinguistics, phonology, and the general intersection of language and society. it's mainly just really nice to know that i'll be moving to australia in 5 months time. good to have something to look forward to. i get along really well when i'm with my parents, but i feel like i revert to being 16 every time i'm home. also, there's just straightup nothing to do here and also i live in a shithole of a state lol. looking forward to starting fresh in a new country.

now for the REALLY exciting news! i saw interpol last week!!!! i don't want to be dramatic and say that it was the best night of my life, but it was definitely up there. i didnt look up who was opening until i was literally getting ready to walk to the venue and i realised that i actually know and really like the band, so it was 2 great concerts in one! anyways, interpol was fucking amazing and played half an hour longer than their other sets since they werent co-headlining w anyone. i got there really early and so i was only like 3 people back from the very front and i made sure to be on the left-hand side of the stage to have the best view of the guitarist since imo he is kind of the highlight of live performances. auurgh fuck it was really good. i love feeling every vibration and being washed over by all the lights. it was a fun mix of people my age and people in their 40's and 50's. there was an older guy next to me there with his friend/partner who was a couple people behind us, and he would turn back and give an enthusiastic grin and thumbs up to him after a song he was really into finished. his favourite song was very clearly the rover and he would play the main drum sequence along with it. nothing better than seeing other people have a great time while you are also having the time of your life.

it's been a very busy last 2ish weeks! my parents and i went up to new york to see my cousin and his family. it was his daughter's first birthday and oh man it was the biggest birthday party i've ever been to. my parents and i are the only other members of the family living in the u.s. other than my cousin, so he really wanted us to come, especially since his wife entire extended family was going to be there lol. her dad and stepmother made approximately 4 tonnes of the most delicious filipino food and there were lots of games that she said she grew up playing at birthday parties back home. my cousin's kid is really one of the most loved babies out there
my parents hadnt been to nyc since like, 1995 or smth so they were having a good time seeing how much had changed in the 25+ years since they had last been. i tried to sit on one of the benches in battery park to live out my best succession kendal roy depression moment, but alas, they were closed off. other than that though, i had an amazing time going to the MET and MoMA (and guggenheim, but that didnt have much stuff tbh). saw all my favourites, including Malevich, Lissitzky, Goncharova, Popova, REPIN (!!!), Hilma af klint, Klee, Torres-Garcia, and of course Monet and Van Gogh
since we were already in the northeast, i figured it just made sense if i took a detour and stayed with friends for a while before going home lol. i took a day trip to ottawa yesterday and went to the national gallery there, where i saw another lissitzky and lots of other amazing art. it was great because i took the earliest train there, which meant waking up at 4:30am ;-; but i was pretty much the first person to get to the museum for the day and had the place mostly to myself! i took some great photos of just entirely empty rooms other than the art and myself lol. walking to the train station for 40 minutes before the sun rose was definitely worth it


i got my covid booster and flu shot yesterday and now i'm feeling blegh. i am unfortunately a big baby who is scared of needles, so even just getting it was very not fun, but the process was even more drawn out because we (my mum and i) had to wait an hour to get them ;-; we made an appointment for 3:15 and got there at 3:05. there was one woman in front of us to get her shots so we didnt think it would take long, but we didnt leave the pharmacy until 4:05!! plus, the guy giving the shots was a student/very new and was saying stuff like "ok now this one is a lot bigger by the way" like,,, dude. please dont tell me that. credit to him though they didnt hurt that bad. unfortunately, my needle-phobia produces a whole lotta psychosomatic symptoms lol. i always feel kinda lightheaded afterwards and like i can *feel* all of my skin, from the arch of my feet to my tongue. ew. i know all that is 100% in my head but it makes me feel so overwhelmed and uncomfortable. i got a headache in the evening and took an advil before bed, but i still woke up in the night with the right half of my body absolutely freezing and incapable of feeling any warmth no matter how many blankets i wrapped myself in. now, i just have headache again but i took another advil now that i've had breakfast, but even just writing about this makes me uncomfortably aware of the skin between my fingers and on the inside of my elbows.
i know that shining pearl (+brilliant diamond) are kinda accepted as being shit, but i picked back up my copy of sp and i am having sooo much fun with it. last time i played it was back in march and i lost to cynthia, but i trained up and improved my team (and finally paid attention to natures and special attacks??? crazy) and beat the elite four yippeeee. i completed the regional dex so now i'm catching as many new (or are they old?) pokemon as i can. i definitely want to make some changes before i take on the gym leaders + elite 4 for round 2. i didnt end up using my graveler at all for the elite 4, so i think i can trade him out for something better. honestly, this game is the most fun i've had with pokemon in YEARS, though tbh it's also the only new-ish pokemon game i've played in years. i think the last one i got was pokemon moon, and i havent played any of the other ones out on the switch. the only technical problem i've had with it is that in the grand underground, pokemon that see me and want to battle sometimes get stuck in a loop of just circling me really closely instead of actually running into me. anyways. it makes me want to make a page for pokemon lol. i've been playing it since i was 6 and it still is close to my heart. i kind of checked out after black/white, but i have a good time replaying the older ones. i am pissed though that it's hard to get copies of those games now though, especially since the ds online store has shut down. i really want to play omega ruby/alpha sapphire one day

18+ talk ahead. nothing actually explicit, but just a preference.

Parents are at a halloween party, so you know what that means: getting drunk and watching twin peaks: fire walk with me.very good movie. unfortunately, my main exposure to the soundtrack has been those edits someone made of seinfeld scenes with the twin peaks ost in the background, so i just kept imagining george constanza being in situations.
ugh. i miss the rare occassions of being stupid drunk. even under peak conditions, it only happened once or twice a year, but it was a good time. it's something i need to work on, but i am kind of one of those people that only unlocks social skills after a few drinks. i'm embarrassed that the only time i've like properly made out w anyone + uhhh more was when i was very drunk. like,, i'm 22 for god's sake. and that was when i was 20 fuck. i guess i've just been thinking about that a lot today since i was listening to music earlier that i listened to a lot during that time. it was an odd kind of period. i don't reccomend getting into situations where you have to try to cover up hickeys from your roommates when your mum calls to let you know that your grandma is dead. it's just awkward for everyone invlolved lol
i was just thinking earlier today how i dont like the idea of a relationship, but if that's the case, then why do i miss doing that with my friends. i guess i liked it because there was the expectation that it was meaningless fun, which it was. it's funny because i dont even talk to one of them anymore. it was kind of the first friend breakup i've ever had. it turns out, sometimes people change for the worse when they get into relationships. i dont mourn that friendship loss tbh. we had some very very good times together and they showed me who i am at my best, but i also learned that while i may be a pushover, i'm not ok with people dating people that shit talk me and my friends behind my back.
i keep "putting off" thinking about dating. i was in a long-distance relationship for the first 2 and a bit years of uni (which i think neither of us wanted to be in, but we both didnt want to end it bc we were best friends since 6th grade and didnt want to jeopardize our friendship), then i didnt want to "rush into anything after breaking up," and then i was in my last year and didnt want to date because "i would be moving away soon anyways." it's all true, but i think theyre also all just excuses. i just dont know if i want a relationship at all, which i dont like to think about because it goes against so much about how i think about myself. i suppose i like to feel like an extension of whoever i am closest to. i like knowing what they are thinking with just a look, and them being able to do the same to me. i like them knowing that they can count on me, doing their errands when theyre sick, cooking extra food when theyre busy, always being able to listen when they need to talk. i like the idea of giving myself entirely to somebody, but i just dont want the casual intimacy a relationship usually involves. but also, i feel like such a hypocrite because if i really want to "give myself entirely" then why is one of my biggest relationship-concerns losing my personal space? i see how much time my friends in relationships spend with their partners. some of them even live together! i simply do not think i could do that. i feel like i turn evil if i dont get to be alone after a few hours of being around someone. i keep hoping that everything will just work out but damn! my parents had already known each other for 4 years by the time they were my age. i know i'm the youngest grandchild of my grandparents by like,,, 10 years, but all the others already have kids of their own and my grandparents are definitely hoping to see my kids before they die, and they are 92 and 93 ;-;. perhaps i need to first be in a relationship to figure out what i want, but i dont really want to go in with the energy of "i'm here to find out if i'm capable of love. do you mind being part of my experiment?"



I NEED to get better at responding to messages. i think the problem is is that i dont really like texting/messaging with someone in real time, and i have 2 friends that are always online lol so if i do respond, it's going to turn into a conversation. with one of them, i dont feel so bad bc we do talk pretty frequently and also when i am in town, we hang out a lot. the other friend though is someone i have only met the once back in first year but have messaged on and off since like,, third year. we videocalled earlier this year and it was just so damn awkward. despite being online all the goddamn time, i've never really had online friends, and i am pretty ok with that. i think that i missed the boat on learning how to do that back in like middle school and high school and now dont know the culture and i cant quite be bothered to learn it (making online friends would probably come easier if i tried to do it with someone i actually, yknow, had shared interests or experiences with i guess). i just understand the irl social rules much better than the online ones (and that's saying something lmao). i dont know how to get to know someone when i cant actually hang out with them. but last time i started to drift away, she asked if she had done something to make me mad at her. she's also reassured me in the past that she will always, always be there for me. i appreciate it and she really is very nice. i just... don't know her.

my oldest friend recently reached out though and so i reallyyy do need to respond to him. we were neighbours for around 10 years i think and very much grew up together. our house was his, his was ours. the same went for our families. i still call his grandma my grandma, and up until he started college, he would still wish my mum a happy mother's day. for many years, he felt like my brother more than my actual brother did (i think that's because he was only 1 year younger than me, while my brother was/is 2 years younger. i know that's splitting hairs, but to a 7 year old, a 6 yr old is certainly more fun to play with than a 5 yr old is). every single day, we would be either playing basketball, riding our bikes, playing video games, writing newspapers for our fake country, climbing trees, or playing calvinball-style games. i'm still angry at myself for withdrawing to the internet once i got a phone when i could have been spending more time with him. i figured that we would just always be around each other, but then his parents got divorced and he moved to a different part of the city. then, i moved to a different part of the country. for so so many years, i actually felt responsible for his parents' divorce. i had a dream that i had peeled the paint of his family's washing machine, and then the next day was when my mum told me about the divorce. the dread and guilt i felt was insane. i was sure when i had woken up from the paint-peeling dream that it was, in fact, a dream. but once i heard that they were divorcing due to some *cough cough* responsibility issues, i was suddenly convinced that it was all because of me. i only found out the real reason as to why they divorced a couple of days ago, and as awful as it was, it was as if an anvil had been lifted off my chest that i hadnt realised was still there.

i really want to keep a relationship with him though, so i want to make the most of this line of communication that he opened. we are very different people, or at least we are on the surface (he was always the uber popular star baseball/football player and prom king guy. he's even in a frat now...) but he still feels like my little brother. i know he has no shortage of older sisters, but i hope i maybe still feel like one to him.

after writing that paragraph, i responded to them both. wow look at me go.


feeling not in top form today. got my period and i now have the standard cramps and back pain. i've already had extra strong painkillers, so i dont want to imagine how bad it would be if i didnt take anything if i can still feel it this much. it's still stupid hot outside, so i cant even use a heatpack without getting all gross and sweaty. on top of this, i hurt my back on friday from carrying some heavy stuff and spent the weekend feeling like something was crushing the nerves in my lower back if i shifted weight/moved my left leg. i was just kind of shuffling around the kitchen for hours as i made my mum's cake (lemon with blueberry cream cheese frosting btw lol). it's mostly back to normal now, but it still twinges with every step. ALSO my shoulder hurts because i did some new exercises in physio yesterday. i somehow also hurt my hand the other week. i was just picking up a cork that was balancing on top of a bottle, but as i grabbed it, i felt this tearing feeling where my thumb meets my palm. it's mostly better now too, thankfully, but it still hurts like hell if i touch it.

it's starting to seem that the cons of having a corporeal form are outweighing the pros.

this month is becoming the exception to my personal rule about not complaining too much in these entries lol. oh well


it's been raining alllll day. i used to love constant rain and grey skies, but nowadays, i find that it wears on my brain amd jsut kind of saps me. until i was 13, i lived in the pacific northwest where it was rainy and cloudy for pretty much 9 months of the year, and i loved it. i guess it's just what i was used to. plus, i got to put myself in opposition to my parents, especially my mother, who grew up in a tropical climate and needed the sun and heat to feel alive. even now though, i can still lull myself to sleep by imagining lying in bed in my childhood bedroom on a cool june night with the window open and listening to the rain gurgling down the storm drain with frog chirps from the forest across the road and the sound of the train blasting its horn miles away. moving to the south as a teenager, i hated how it was always sunny and, even if it rained, how it was still so fucking hot but now the added discomfort of feeling like a swamp. i guess over the 5 years i lived there/here (i'm back with my parents until i move for my master's in a couple months), i got used to the lack of rain and constant sun. today just felt so... dreary. i think the disconnect between the weather and the temperature is a big part of the problem for me. i still had to have my fan on for most of today because it was so hot, but it looked like it should have been 10C outside at the MOST. maybe i'm also just upset that this is the "best" weather i can hope for here. other than the freak freezes of the last 2 years, it doesnt snow here, so clouds and rain are the most autumn/winter-y weather i can hope for. at least where i went to uni, there were very distinct seasons. rainy summer -> sunny summer -> sunny autumn -> rainy autumn -> snowy autumn -> snowy winter -> blizzard winter -> shitty melted snow winter -> shitty melted snow spring -> ohmygodtherearebudsonthetreesandcrocusesunderthesnow spring -> rainy spring -> repeat.

i'm complaining a lot. just because i dont like the weather here obviously doesnt mean that there arent seasons. they are just different from where i grew up and different from where i have recently been living. climate change aside, the weather here is appropriate for the region. i just happen to not like living here.

if i havent hit you over the head with it yet, weather is very important to me. it is a big part of why i am kind of nervous to move to australia. first of all, i do not vibe with the reversed seasons. i am very upset by the fact that i am going to be celebrating my birthday in SUMMER in just 3 months. at least i'll be living somewhere that gets kind of cold in winter (around freezing iirc), but there definitely won't be snow...


Fantastic news, friends!! the horrors of my own creation that have been plaguing me for the last month and making me feel nauseous and like my heart is going to give up for a few hours a day WERE NOT REAL! i've been terrified that perhaps maybe what if i missed the date for registering for my courses for the upcoming/first semester. i am, unfortunately, an EXTREMELY avoident person. i will hide from problems for as long as i can until they hopefully pass over and the consequences forget about me. sometimes this works out, often it doesnt (no shit). after feeling ill with fear for the last month, i finally got the courage to actually check. i couldnt find any dates online, but when i checked my "acceptance of my letter of acceptance" email, i saw that it said that information on how to gain access to my student email and HOW TO REGISTER FOR COURSES would be sent out 4-6 weeks before the semster starts (which in in mid february). such a weight is off my chest but god damn why do i do this to myself all the time. my other brushes with this kind of situation just in this year have been: wondering if i missed the deadline to apply for master's programs (the applications had, in fact, not even opened yet), forgetting to do the the "i promise not to sexually harass/assault anyone" module my final year of undergrad and thus disqualifying myself from graduation and just trying to ignore the fact that i wasnt going to graduate (something went wrong w the system though and it flagged EVERYONE as not having done it and so admin decided the easist fix was to just put everyone down as having done it. i think this was the worst case of me avoiding my problems, but on the other hand, it did still technically work out), and lastly, being in denial about moving and not scheduling a moving company to haul my shit from fucking canada to american south (2000 miles!) until like,,, 3 weeks before i had to leave. please learn from my mistakes ;-;



2023 was a good year for me. this is a pleasant change since usually at the end of each year i look back and think "well, at least i didn't kill myself." i spent much of the thinking about how i was a failure and a fuckup, but looking back, it couldn't have gone much better. that's perspective i guess.

I went to new places, met a new friend, didn't lose any friendships, graduated undergrad, got accepted into another school, read more books than i have since i was a kid, saw my favourite band in concert, kept up my duolingo streak (1156 days!), and did other fun and exciting things. i also deleted tiktok and twitter, which i think i should get a medal for.

i finally paid attention to my physical health after trying to ignore it just about a decade despite feeling worse and worse each year and yeah wow i didn't know i could exist without being in pain all the time or worrying about knocking my shoulder out of place by like,,, pulling open a drawer. i finished physical therapy last week and so now it's up to me to stick to the at-home exercises, but i'm pretty sure i will be happy to do them if it means i don't go back to how i felt before.

pretty successful year for my mental health too, so yippee. not to be cringe and vulnerable on main (not sure an anonymous neocities account can be a main, but i digress), but i wonder if as i amble towards the magical brain age of 25 (not that i believe that lol), i will genuinely just not feel the need to destroy myself as often.

i had only one month of rlly bad ed relapse and this year was also definitely the least ive self harmed. by miles lmao. was this just a good year, or is this the direction my life is genuinely heading towards? in some sense, i miss it. maybe not the ed (even if i feel i do but i know that's my brain being a cunt and lying to me), but other destructiveness. there's a kind of comfort in being so stuck in my head that i can't bring myself to move my damn eyeballs for hours, let alone get out of bed and actually do something. maybe 2024 is the year of finding a healthy way to be in my head without hoping that a carbon monoxide leak is quietly killing me. unless moving on from passive suicidality means actually getting that echocardiogram my doctor wanted me to get though hrrrhgh
i spent a lot of time these last 12 months stressed out of my mind, but i suppose that's better than the unending numb and dread that spans past years.

2024 scares the shit out of me. i'm moving 8 and a half thousand miles away in exactly 1 month. all new people, all new places. for the most part, change terrifies me. i had to walk the same exact inefficient route to campus and back the last couple years, or the whole day would feel wrong and i would be in a pissy mood. when i was a kid, we got new doors bc the old ones were old as fuck and kinda disintegrating and the anger and fear i felt was unreal. but somehow, starting over far from anyone i've ever known is calming. the last 4 years have been the best of my life, but i still feel ready to start again.

general goals:


merry belated christmas to those who christmas. it's been a pretty exciting week for me as i've been able to make some progress on school stuff. i got a housing offer, so i know roughly where i'm going to be living, which has helped a lottt with stress. i also got to pick my classes for the year after suffering through the abomination that is the UI of my school's portal for student shit. other than a class on linguistic foundations in the 1st semester and one in quantitative research methods in the 2nd, i basically have all classes on language and interaction/society, phonetics and phonology, and even one on historical linguistics of languages of asia + the pacific, so i'm finally starting to feel a bit excited.

christmas was very nice too. i've always been very grateful to live so far away from family so that it's just been my parents and my brother home for the holidays my whole life, but this year i could really tell that my parents wished that it wasnt this way. my dad's parents facetimed with all of his siblings and their spouses (so many of them...), which in turn led to my mum crying later that night about being so far from family since her parents have both died. luckily, i think hearing how christmas went down with her side of the family the next day reminded her that there is not enough money in the world that would get her to consider spending christmas with her sisters. insanity.

anyways, it was a very fun, chill day. i got a super cute moomin calendar that i am excited to start using, as well as a little miffy makeup bag! i also got some cds (grizzly bear's veckatimest and gorillaz's plastic beach) and dvds (dead ringers, stoker, and the full adventure time series hehe). i'll have to add them to their respective pages asap! (quick detour: in checking to make sure i spelled veckatimest correctly, i went down a wikipedia rabbithole and found that (one of) the lead singer(s) in grizzly bear, ed droste, is cousins with pink martini singer, china forbes, and that his great great grandmother was the daughter of ralph waldo emerson. there is a lot of railroad and opium money going on in that family...)

also, i once again have pokemon on the mind. gaining access to the iv checker/judge function in the post game of BDSP is taking over my life lol. stuck between wanting to remake my team to look very cool and have the best natures/ivs/ everything as possible, or fully lean into pure strength and not be picky about the pokemon's appearance. idk why i would even go down that route though. it's not like i play against anybody. it's just hard to resist the urge to maximise stats. i have a venusaur i've sunk so much time into to get 5/6 best ivs and also a good nature, but now i'm not even sure that i want to use it lolll ;-;


despite fucking up repeatedly at the airport on monday, i, against all odds, made it home with all of my belongings lmao. i will actually die from embarrassment if i dwell on any of it, so i won't. it was a really nice trip. the grief hasnt really set in yet, but i am aware that that is likely the last time i'll see a lot of those friends. last year, my family visited the city my my parents lived in while my mum studied and she saw her best friends from uni that she hadnt seen graduating and moving to the u.s. 22 years ago. i dont want to have to wait 22 years until i see my friends again. i know i'll still (hopefully) be seeing one of them next year, but idk about everyone else.

anyways. like i said, it was a good trip. went on very very long walks, got some christmas shopping done, saw saltburn, ate good food. i went to a cute bookstore and the woman working there complimented my miffy bag and showed me that they had miffy postcards there (one of which even matched the design i embroidered!) as well as miffy mugs! so cute! another woman in another bookstore couldnt believe i embroidered the bag myself! it was very nice since i didnt really love how my miffy bag turned out when i finished it a few months ago, but she has grown on me.

on the last night, me and the friend i was staying with made pizza dough so that that night, we + her roommate and 2 of our other friends could make our own pizzas and watched the scott pilgrim movie. another fun night was collage night with the bestie and her roomie. the roommate had traded some stuff to get like 20 pounds of old national geographic magazines from the 30's up to the current day. i was having fun (while feeling incredibly guilty about cutting them up) but then when we revealed to each other what we had made, it turns out that they had been making absolutely heart-wrenching, blackout poetry-esque stuff while i was making fish shitposts.

now it's the countdowns. countdown to my brother coming home for the holidays, countdown to christmas, countdown to my aunt and uncle visiting and staying w us for a week (which i am... not looking forward to), countdown to moving. i sent an email to the uni's accommodation people since i still dont know where i'm going to be living. for graduate students, housing is apparently given out on a rolling basis starting from late november, but it's mid-ish december now and the people will be out of the office soon for the holidays, and i kind of need to know if i'm going to have a place to live before i move to the other side of the world, or at least if i need to start looking into alternative housing options. not a fun email to send. i just felt so annoying. i'm sure they receive a ton of emails like that, so i feel bad about panicking and making it their problem too.

ugh. cramping so bad. i can't believe i went so many years without cramps. what changed ;-; now that i think about it, having my period more than 3 times a year is probably what changed. not fair that actually taking care of my body and mind leads to scheduled suffering. i guess it's worth it though


today was good because i saw the guy that i lovingly refer to as "the wizard of [city redacted]." he's an old man with a long white beard who walks around the city with a massive stick/staff only just barely shorter than he is while belting out classic french songs at the top of his lungs. he sticks to the same route for about a week or two at a time and during that time, he sings the same song over and over. when he used to walk past my apartment, it was his rendition of la vie en rose that would wake me up at 8am instead of my alarm. he has a beautiful voice, but when he does miss a note, he just sings that line until he gets it right. i cannot overstate how loudly this man sings. you can hear him from literal blocks away. this was the first time i've seen him without his little white dog (think snowy from tintin), so i hope he's ok. his winter getup today involved a long tan coat that went down to just above his ankles and a black ushanka with the flaps tied up on top. i love him.
i studied in a cafe for a couple hours and then i wandered down to the "historic" part of town to see the old buildings in the snow and to see if the water by the docks had frozen (it had!). i also checked out some christmas decorations downtown which was v cool. then i went to a dvd/cd store and got trainspotting and a stereolab cd for myself and radiohead's in rainbows for my brother since i kind of stole my mum's copy... not to put my brother on blast but he sent me his screenshot of being in radiohead's top 100 listeners this year lmao. i think that might be all he listens to...
there's so much stuff i still want to do while i'm here!! i want to see the hunger games prequel and also saltburn! i want/need to get christmas gifts for my parents! i want to go skating! i want to go to this lebanese cafe that i think about every day when i'm not near it! time is ticking!


teehee i am back with my friends. my mum and i celebrated a belated thanksigiving with my cousin in new york so that she could live out her lifelong dream of seeing new york decorated for christmas, and i have to admit it was pretty impressive. the window displays and christmas trees were insane. i brought my old little camera from midddle school with me, so hopefully i'll be able to add some cute little photos once i get home.

after a couple of days, my mum flew home and i hopped the border up to canada to stay with my friend for the next week and a bit. i woke up at 5 for the flight and didnt end up getting to bed until like 2:30ish, so it was a long day. the friend i'm staying with (roommate from 2020-2022 and first friend at uni) was going to a party and brought me along and it was a lot of fun! she made this insane potion of instant hangover with every drink you can think of, but it tasted amazing. the party was in this insane house that wasnt actually that crazy itself, but just wild that it was a house. i feel like you can go months at a time if you live here only seeing apartments, not houses. the theme was man vs. machine, which culminated in a race between the hosts either running or biking the length of the block. for those curious, man won this race, but when other people raced, machine won.

idk i felt like i was doing really great there. charm up to 100, lookin cute, being sooo normal and sexy lol. but then my friend and one of her roommates hosted a thing at her place the next night and i just wasnt clicking with people at all. maybe because i wasnt really talking to anyone one on one and instead was in small groups? was i just more incompatible in general with the people there? idk it was just weird coming out of the first one feeling on top of the world and the second one like i failed? ah oh well. at least the first one worked out

there was some unexpected snow yesterday which was very nice. lots of bundled up toddlers being dragged down the street in sleds while older kids made snow angels. there's been some very cute snowmen around too. it's perfect packing snow, so i could hear a pretty epic snowball fight going on outside the apartment last night. about another foot of snow fell overnight, which made getting around a little tricky today, but it was still beautiful. the only problem is is that my snow boots have holes somewhere on the bottom that i cant actually see, and thus, cant fix, but every time i step in slush or other puddles, my socks get soaking wet and i start worrying about getting trenchfoot as a city gal in 2023. but still. it was nice out today so it all worked out. i guess i'm worried that this trip is the last time i'm going to see snow, so i want to make the most of it