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2025 journal

april

21/22.03.2025

it's like 11pm on the 21st but i will be up a little while longer so i'm counting this as both days. regarding last entry's fling, i think we are in a relationship now. ok confession time. around when i was 10 i realised that i was only into girls and not guys. i didn't know what a lesbian was at the time (i somehow understood that guys could be gay but despite my mother's best attempts at being an enthusiastic ally circa 2011, the concept still escaped me. sorry, ellen D.) and i think rather wisely thought "huh weird. sounds like a problem for older me to figure out," which i did and left it at that until like, 2023. while there was no particular person that sparked this question, i nonetheless started wondering if i could potentially be attracted to guys. decided to do nothing about it, because this is me we are talking about, but decided that if the opportunity arose (without dating apps lol i simply refuse to try them out), i would see what that was all about and then let the evidence speak for itself. and yeah well that happened around the start of the semester. started talking to this guy during the move-in period, and then at the start of the semester we went out for real and have been seeing each other frequently since then and had official relationship-defining discussions lol. i don't have much more to say on the topic, but i am very happy. i feel like a lot more things about myself are clicking into place. it's nice to not be questioning myself or my identity or what i want anymore now that I have confirmation that yes, i like and want this. so consider this my second coming out in life - this time as bi. lesbians, thanks for the great 12ish years, and much love to y'all lol. also if my brother is reading this, keep your mouth zipped <==}- i'll get around to telling mum soon...

march

23.03.2025

mannn what's even happening. too insanely busy to do anything and yet also seemingly not getting anything done. constantly antsy and nauseous. had a while there i was walking like 10-20k a day to try and stay sane. now back to my regular 5k. probably had like 5 meals over the last 3 weeks that werent yogurt, oats, or grapes. had a bizarro fling thing that i think is over now but huh that was interesting. #celibacy era temporarily over yippee. probably not going to be as active on here as i used to on account of this fucking thesis that i am currently very much regretting. the only way out is through!!! unless...? no. the only way out is through *thumbs up*
wish i was feeling more normal!!! just got to put in the work hhh
ok next morning update: fling not over lmao. let's see how this goes.

january

28.01.2025

yayay back in my favourite city with my friends woohoo! missed it here so much it's crazy waah. so much walking around in the cold it's been great. weird walking past my old apartments. been eating the foods i've missed so much hhhhh such good cafes. your sandwich experience will always be inferior to mine until you have had the poulet panko from ***** ****. sorry. finally went to the club and it was all i wanted it to be haha. had a great time ice skating, got an amazing shirt from a thrift store (speedo shirt from 1995) and also a really cool long, structured black skirt. i don't think i've worn a skirt since probably kindergarten and i usually hate the very idea of them, but this one spoke to me... it seems to be from a german brand and i was desperately trying to use the scraps of internet my phone could latch on to at the vintage place to look up EU to US sizing and was amazed to find that it was my exact size. i need to fix up one button, but other than that it fits perfectly.

by some miracle, my time here coincided with a showing of The Fall (2006) at a theater i've been wanting to go to for years! it was so amazing to finally see it on the big screen and in its beautiful 4K glory. I also noticed a tiny scene was added to the restored version (like 10 seconds long) that isn't in the version i've watched a few times online. my friend last minute bought a ticket too and she loveddd it. she says its a top 10 film and we talked about it the whole walk back to her apartment. we started chatting with the other last person to leave the theater (we watched untill the end of the credits) about just how amazing it is. I was worried about "the mortifying ideal of being known" with her seeing my favourite movie, but i guess it all worked out, so yay!

went out yesterday to get groceries for our Lunar New Year dinner tonight (it's a day early but alas people are beholden to the school/work schedule and it worked better). going to make stir fried rice cakes. i like to make it other times of the year but i usually have it w/ eggplant and mushrooms, but this time it's just bok choy, scallions, mushrooms, and bean sprouts. on the way back, i trecked through the deep snow to get to a picnic table in the middle of the park and listed to Jeff Buckley's Grace album. truly a perfect experience. the sun starting to go down, lightly snowing, wind whipping up little snow devils (idk if that's what you would call them. dust devils but with the loose powdered snow on the ground), and watching the cross on the mountain.

being back here has kind of solidified that i don't know if i can live somewhere long-term that doesnt get snow. also just like,, i miss living in an actual big and cool city. i need to live in australia for at least one more year, both to finish my degree and also so that if i have kids and my partner isn't australian, i will be able to pass my citizenship on to them, but like,,, i feel like maybe i should be thinking about living in canada longterm. rough it out in alberta or saskatchewan for a few years to earn my little resident points or whatever and then move east... i just need to learn french for realzies. sad!



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